le esperaré siempre

So...


LiveJournal...


How is everyone? Am I even still anyone's friend on this thing?


How am I? I'm alright...I guess.

I work. I tried ICC. Failed all my classes. Yeah, fuck all that.

Moving in May to Ar-kan-SAS. Going to Arkansas State in the fall. Gonna go live with my half-brother. Should be a very long awaited and much anticipated move and change for me.

I need change. But I want to see some people I really haven't talked to in a while. And I guess you're all still on here?

Simply dropping in to say hello...now don't be a stranger ya'll

being single isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
i started hanging around this guy who came back from Iraq 4 days ago.
he's really awesome, and so are the rest of his buddies.
i really want to broaden my horizons...i want to fill this want/lust blank with something interesting.
suggestions?

i saw him. i turned my head at the right moment and there he was, with dan. i started to gasp for air, and stutter my words.

i followed them for what seemed like miles, close enough to see his face, far enough so i could remain unseen.

I finally lose sight of them, and decide to take a smoke break, where i see dan walking towards me(alone).

He doesn't want to talk to you. Ever. But only he said it in a more hateful way. dan didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Everything I had hoped for was crushed in a matter of seconds, more than that...words.
I could live with this...but only if I could understand why?

I guess it was that easy to forget about me.

i wish he could see how his decision affects me.



my heart's torn into fucking pieces

please find me...just gravitate to me...i miss/need/want to see you.

so i survived day one and two, now we'll see how i hold up through the week, and then the month.

you can do it.














he is my celebrity. one whom you are amazed by and feel like you've known your entire life. but i actually have known my celebrity...for years...and more than that....i know him still.

"it couldn't have been that easy to forget about me..."
was it?

it's go time
tomorrow....will he notice me?
time for college....will i survive this?



it's about fucking time....i want to think i'm ready

It was nearly summer, we sat on your roof,
Yeah, we smoked cigarettes and we stared at the moon,
I showed you stars you never could see.
It couldn't been that easy to forget about me.

Time meant nothing, anything seemed real.
Yeah, you kissed like fire and you made me feel
Like every word you said was meant to be.
It couldn't been that easy to forget about me.

Baby, even the losers, get lucky sometimes.
Baby, even the losers, keep a little bit of pride, they get lucky sometimes.

Two cars park on the overpass, rocks hit the water like broken glass.
I shoulda known right then it was too good to last,
God, it's such a drag to have to live in the past.

Baby, even the losers, get lucky sometimes.
Even the losers, keep a little bit of pride, they get lucky sometimes.

shes gonna fuckin be there....better get to work ashton....



there is much, much to do

i can't begin to explain how good it feels
to not be forgotten.

pay no attention...

i've waited so long to get to this point.

it seems to be no huge deal to anyone else, but this is going to be the rebirth of...well...me. i've isolated myself for so long from having friends, fun, and a life. that's why it seems as if everything is riding on this.
there's just so much pressure that i've put on it.
"this is going to be where you meet life long friends."
"this is when you'll have some of the most fun you'll ever have."
telling myself..."i'll actually start to have a life.

but even more than that, people whom I haven't spoken to in years, will be there. no biggie. but because of that i feel the need to prove that i'm an attractive, moral, kind, and awesome person-not the girl that people might have known me as. though i know most people realize that people change and grow.

i'm still scared as hell.

It's like I've got the mother from "Carrie" in my head going...."THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!"

going to green day????

i am, will u be there....we'll see, my dear,...we'll see.

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me
You've got some nerve
But can't face your mistakes






I know what I should do but I just can't turn away



i unfortunately have you tattooed onto my brain

deceit...true

but i do it oh so, so deviously

i never have enough time...or resources or freedom or anything.



there is never enough of anything.


school
school
work
kick it?
sleep
school
school
appointments
kick it
sleep




every week the same damn things...i want to mix it up, have some fun, and break out of this monotonous routine
but i fear that i have nothing but this to look forward to for the next four fucking years

we made passionate love till the sun rose...no controlling behaviors, only...as cheesy as it seems....passion.




Great. Fucking Great.

I guess I need to just face the fact that this guy isn't going to talk to me again. I should have known that it would just be one of those things. I suppose I wanted more, maybe?
But I know that's not best right now, nor do I really want anything like that. I thought maybe it could be cool to have some new guy friends. Guess not. Well, not him anyway.


My life is filled with a lot of regret, and anger. A bit of both feelings towards my mother, and a lot of both towards myself. In a lot of ways, I wish that things hadn't changed for me, and that I was a freshman at Central again. I had lots of friends, something to do almost everynight, and there was always someone to lean on when I needed a good shoulder.
Now, I find myself wanting to look up old numbers, and get in contact with those that I used to know.
Only problem is, most of those people don't want to be in contact with me.
Everyone has gone on with their lives, myself included, but most don't seem to want to go back. No real reason to.
I do though.
I burned a lot of bridges in these past few years, and for that I'm sorry. I wish I had done things differently, yet I know that things are this way for a reason. I'm relatively happy with my life as of now, and love the ones that are still in my life.

Just a bit of mourning the past. (Not good Ashton, not good.)


If you're out there...I miss you guys... you know who you all are. Remember...I'm still me...hope you know.

the beginging of regret is the start of something i didn't want to get involved in. i wish i could do things differently, but for some reason, i don't think before i do....and its gotten me nothing but a boy ignoring my attempts to contact him. i guess it was one of those things...wish it hadn't been.


damn damn damnit




We all used to live on livejournal...go back to 2002-2003, and look at who all you used to be friends with...that'll make ya wonder.

my neck kills. i could fall asleep right now if i could just stop thinking.



i wish i could reach out..through all the bullshit, across to where good times lie and i was liked, and possibly loved.

i miss those times. in a way, i don't though...i'm different now, stronger, wiser now.
I'm glad amanda is here, tried and true. and if you might want to talk to/see me...let me know. i need to reconnect.




Wendy, if I forgot to call you, I forgot again and yeah, i have an excuse, again. =)

i'm sure of what i want to say now. i can finally speak and my eyes are open. i feel so fucking free. and this time it feels real and like maybe this time the feeling could last.




all i know is i hope it does because i can't be his everything, nor do i want to be. i want to be myself and talk to whoever the hell i want. this is a wonderful let down and well deserved.



i'm going to go and take my life back now.


Fuckin Finally.

fractions of ourselves
in pieces of people we used to be
when longing for better days
begins to fade
will you remember me?
will light still shine
as brightly as it once did
or will this facade pass on again?
and whatever happened to being so lost
lost and astrayed
and it was real
more than anything
we needed to feel
feel like living and
having a reason to
carry on.
But with starry eyes
against darkened october skies
your dreams are quickly washed away.

as i was looking at journal entries gone by, i stop and think to myself...


wow...everyones grown now. what the hell just happened?